dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.