Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
huge if true: the moon
Happy Friday
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning