If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.