Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You Might Also Like
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.