Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?