“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”