[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper