I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.