If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.