Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???