As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My whole life was a lie.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Raisins are grape jerky.