Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”