Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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what it’s like dating me:
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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