Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Breaking news:
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I was bored.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?