*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal