*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
That eye roll….
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.