Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Good boy 😂😂
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Breakfast for Stoners:
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working