Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.