There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*