My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Just parrot things
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The most important meal of the day is the next one
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra