I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Good advice.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.