New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”