The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video