Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?