Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
be careful
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
welcome back
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.