Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away