Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

My sex drive has a dui

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.