I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
my proudest tweet
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”