How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Strange
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
❤️🦆
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I am all good here, 😂😉
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.