If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You Might Also Like
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”