Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first