[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You Might Also Like
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
motivation
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.