if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*