[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
wtf is an acronym
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.