I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Not even remotely sorry.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Terribly Tuesday.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here