Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.