Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.