Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.