Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls