men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Life is a suicide mission.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.