BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
You Might Also Like
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Oh my God.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*