you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
For the ones in the back.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”