Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of