Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I have never related to a cat more
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
a lot to unpack here
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Last-minute gift idea!
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying