Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.