If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required