Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.