the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Hot Hot Hot
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles