[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Every work meeting this week
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.