*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
lmfao
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.