My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
relationship goals
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.