Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert