why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Worst Native American name ever.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it