If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.