@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@TheWinegasm

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

@

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

@LocalButtLiker

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

@Aikiwomannc

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

@JessObsess

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.