Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
You Might Also Like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
5 ways to appear taller
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]